imagery

poor little birdie, its heavy isn't it, that world of people and things and all manner of chaos that continues to rotate around you whether you allow it to or not. it will happen anyway.

i am lost and alone in a role that doesn't quite fit the way it should.

but i continue to try, and end up fighting in some desperate kind of way.

thinking of peace and glowing love and warm warm energy.

"cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right" - oprah

january sucked, so im starting 2012 over in february.

things going better so far, will report back for march.

thanks insurance - now, could we do something about that deductible?

colby is going under on tuesday.

now, dont be worried - he is already far past worried and i couldnt possibly stand anybody else in my life being upset. he is having a minor outpatient surgery to correct an in-office snafu that happened years ago - and me being the meanest wife ever, i scheduled the appointments, told him to pick me up early from work because we were going to lunch, and then drove him to the surgeon's office. so mean.

its only because i care so much!

so, in anticipation of the bills that will surely arrive (surgeon, assistant surgeon, anesthesiologist), i believe i probably need a second job, or at least a higher paying one than i have now. if anybody care's to assist the western's "reconstruction" surgery (thats what im calling it - those of you close to me can laugh because you know whats really going down), please know i can be reached via phone or email and would love cash or check donations :)

totally kidding.

i will be paying for my university education for the next decade, whats one more expense?

the many hats of rosie western II

RB

Rose

Rosita

Littlest

Baby Bear

Scooby

Puppers

Rosebud

Rose Butterscotch MacGillicutty Western

this dog is my best friend.

to anyone who thinks this is weird, probably anyone who doesnt love animals or has never had a pet - i was once that person!, i still like you and i bet my dog will make you love her within the first five minutes of meeting you.

colby got me a best furry friend a few months before we got married. one of our favorite things to do was to walk around the pet stores and super pet adoptions and admire the puppies at play. one saturday of nonimportance, we were mingling at Bird World and saw the skinniest, tiniest, goose-feathery pup with shiny black eyes and i knew right then that this dog needed to be in my family. we held her and played with her and snuggled her, and left empty handed. she was all we could talk about the rest of the day and late into the night. we both knew she was special.

colby went back the next day.

i had a family party and was waiting for him to pick me up when he called and there was this little chirping scruffy bark in the background.

"who is that?"

"its rosie - thats the name you liked, right?"

and it has been five years of happy doggie.

since knowing her, i have never doubted Heavenly Father's love for me - why else would he spend time and energy creating such a special critter for humans to have as companions? she looks me in the eye when i talk to her or make commands to obey - people dont even do that! her happiness comes from ensuring my own, she wants to please me and earn treats and tickles by being good. and when i cry or colby and i fight, she looks right in my eyes and comes close, sometimes even paws my legs to be held, knowing it will make both of us feel better.

i love her like she is my own because i dont have one of my own. and when i do, and hopefully i do, i know rosie will love and protect that tiny human and acknowledge him to be the most important thing ever to come along into casa western. i love my husband, i do - and i love my family and my friends and plenty of awesome people, but i KNOW that rosie loves me back in a very special and different way that inspires zero doubt and nothing but security and importance and value of self.

okay, most of the time i know colby loves me too.

in fact, if he could love me like the dog loves me, no holding back, zero inhibitions, complete compassion, we would have husband of the decade here, people.

early countdown

i have the sleepiest family ever.

rosie is asleep on colby's tummy while he snores away in the recliner with 'futurama' in the background. we were supposed to play tonight, but alas, feeling tired and comfy always takes precedence to the wife and momma.

if they didnt look so dang cute i might actually be mad.

we are feeling very post-christmas here at the western household... and by that i mean we are ready for a new year and excited to say goodbye to the crappiest year of them all, 2011. in a few days, the fireworks will be over, the midnight kisses spent, and we will have a new chance at a new year! wonderful things are happening, and hopefully others will happen, in 2012. just to name a few for us and some of the people we love:

• the best, most deserving person i know is having her first baby.
• an awesome couple is moving out of the country to have an adventure.
• someone dear to me will be accepted to grad school - she will get in, no doubts here.
• another stamp in the passport
• losing in the hopes to gain it back for good cause
• someone's missionary is home!
• catching up financially
• celebrating five years of the best puppers, and five of marriage during happy/sad, wonderful/insane, rich/poor, and desperately in love years to my best friend.

when people say they cant wait for the new year, i dont think they mean it like i do. i am so looking forward to growing and learning and watching the wonderful people around me progress into the lives they have built for themselves. i am so much harder on myself than anyone else would ever be, but 2012 will be a year of self-love and compassion for the person i am trying to become.

wishing you a love and joy filled new year. so happy for these new beginnings!

delightful+dreamy

My sisters insisted I read The Night Circus and oh!

I LOVE it.

I want to be in it.

I want to see it!

And I really want to eat the chocolate covered caramel popcorn and visit the Lake of Tears. And I will probably fall in love with Marco and F. Thiessen. So good.

The last book I read that captured me like this was ... I dont even know, probably Witch of Blackbird Pond that I read every Halloween and still love as much as ever. I havent read, really read, a book since losing my mom and I think I might have forgotten how happy it made me to escape into magic and fiction and wonder, and it feels good to have that back.

Just in time for Christmas.

I bought this book for my bestie. Im so excited to give it to her! Books are one thing of many that we share and talk about and dream of and Im happy to pass this one along. Highly recommend!

first snowfall

rosie woke me up just after one to piddle, and i havent been able to sleep since. i am in awe of the white blanketing the world outside. this is the first snowfall of the season, and the first snow to fall on my mom's final resting place. i hope she is watching with awe, like i am, at the peace and tranquility of life that comes with fresh white snow, covering the imperfections and making everything look perfect and whole.

mom always knew just how much to celebrate the seasons. she loved living in utah and the changes the weather brought year round. i remember one day in particular i was walking home from junior high in sleeting snow and rain, totally miserable and almost in tears at how awful and wet i felt. the second i walked in the door, mom took one look at me and immediately ran a shower; she said the only way i would ever be warm again was to start fresh. oh and was she ever right! moms just know, they know exactly what to do in pretty much any circumstance that seems impossible to a grumpy teenager. when i emerged from my hot rain shower that fogged the entire room, i found that she had set my pjs on my bed, her favorite ones, the ones that made me look and feel like a little girl, i think they had christmas reindeer on them, along with fluffy cushy socks. you always wore socks at my house. if mom saw you walking around without socks she would go get you a pair, make you sit down, and put them on your feet herself. she got me the socks with the grippies on the bottoms every year for either my birthday or christmas. anyway, after feeling warm and clean and comfortable, i walked into the kitchen where mom had made my favorite soup, tomato garden, cheese toast, and was cocktailing herself and me a diet coke with lime - not the dc with the lime already in it, the real stuff, with lots of ice and a straw. and her care and special compassion to me grumpily walking home from school on this friday afternoon completely turned my day around, and we started talking about how beautiful the snow made everything look. it didnt occur to me until this very minute of typing that mom had already spent about three hours in the cold that same day as me, and couldnt have been home much longer than i was, and instead of nursing her own cold bones and tired feet she took care of me.

oh momma, i miss you.

she loved the snow and ice so much that when patrick was in africa she had me walk the neighborhood with her after church one sunday with a camera and take pictures of the frozen trees and bushes. she thought he might be missing the white and the cold, and the beauty of the world when it is cold and still. im not a photographer by any means, but when we printed the film and got ready to send it off she made me feel like an artist for simply capturing what she saw as magical that everyone else saw as bbrrrrrrrr.

maybe tomorrow, well in a few hours, i will have to go visit her and take a wreath or something, anything to celebrate the first pure white snowfall since her passing. she would love that, i bet.